How to annoy people in public (20 june '000)
You may remember that we told you recently about a deal between Sega and Motorola to
put Sega games on Motorola phones (obviously). Well, now we've got some more concrete
details of the plans.
Motorola plan to produce a range of phones based on the same chip, all of which will
feature a gameboy style screen and internet access, and they plan to sell over ten million
of these in Japan over the next couple of years. A list of some of the first games
planned reads something like|
Nothing hugely exciting but it's a step in the right direction none the less. It might
even stop Sega going under...
- Sonic J
- Sonic Demo
- Black Jack
- Sonic Logic
- Sonic's Bomb Squad
dA l33t kr3w(20 june '000)
While trawling the net searching for donkey porn today I stumbled across possibly
the l33t3st thing I've ever seen...|
A Dreamcast Megademo!!!
Skywalk3r, 0ne 0f th3 the l33t hAx0rZ ov3r at Hitmen
has r3v3rs3 engin33red a th1rd pArty DC d3vel0pm3nt k1t and writt3n th3 v3ry f1r5t DC
Megademo, which was ent3r3d into the Mekka Symposium 2000 competiton...
3nUf l33t r35p3ct i5 du3 t0 tHe5e guyZ...
For details of the kit and demo click here
Quake DC (20 june '000)
Rumours are currently circulating that Titanium Studios are porting Quake to the Dreamcast,
not Quake III or Quake II you understand, but the original Quake.|
The reason for this (so the rumour goes) is that the Quake source has been made publicly
available, so Titanium Studios can port the game free of charge. The catch being that they can't
charge money for it themselves.
What does this all mean? Well, if the rumours are to be believed it means that Quake will
be appearing on Dreamcast magazine coverdisks sometime in the near future.
Free appz worth 400 dollars, it's like the Amiga all over again, man... wicked!
Only the Japanese... (20 june '000)
...could possibly come up with this. This news article has been lifted directly from
dreamcast.net which means that in all likelyhood it's
completely true... no really!|
"Namco's all but highly-anticipated 29th June release, Mr. Driller, will reportedly be
compatible with the Maraca controllers and microphone-device. By spreading the
Maracas apart, or by saying "dig" into the mic Susumu-kun, the main character digs.
So, this raises a question I'm sure we all want to ask Namco: Why?!
Holly Oaks? Sony Hoax! (20 june '000)
Natasha: Hi, I'm Natasha Symms|
Terri: And I'm Terri Dwyer
Natasha: Together we star in the popular
Channel 4 soap opera Hollyoaks, which tenuously rhymes with Sony Hoax. So we're
here to bring you the full facts about the recently hoaxed Sony news story which
went flying around the Internet a few days ago.
Terri: Well, we would if we knew the slightest thing about it, unfortunately we're women
and therefore only useful for housework and sex...
Natasha: snigger, she said sex..
Terri: If you'd like to read the Sony Hoax article in full you can find it here
Natasha: Or if you'd prefer to see a picture of us in our undies click here
That's not logical (20 june '000)
Hi, I'm Leonard Nimoy, you may remember me from such popular television shows
as Star Trek, and more recently from some low quality TV adverts which I'm not
allowed to name on JumpySpider for legal reasons.|
I thought you might like to know that I recently recorded all the speech for the
revolutionary Sega game Seaman. It's a strange experience being able to talk to
my own Seaman and hearing them talk back in my own voice, normally when that
happens I have to take my medication... mummy
Why don't you Phil Mein?(17 june '000)
Read the second part (and the first if you missed it) of Poke-kens exciting interview
with Phil Mein of Crony Entertainment right here
It's the latest thing (15 june '000)
Hi, you might not recognise me in my new body, but I'm the artist formely known as
I've decided to reinvent myself as a cyberbeing, and I've changed my name
to Bowie of Nine. I'm more machine now than man... Actually, the only body they
had spare was this female one so I'm more woman now than man too. They didn't even
fit my head on properly.
You may wonder why I chose to become a cyberbeing. Well, the truth is that cybernetics
is the latest thing. In a few years everybody will be half-machine and we'll all
wear futuristc silver jumpsuits! Eventually we'll all transcend to become virtual beings
living on the net.. and of course I'll be leading the way!
To celebrate my new image I've been keeping a diary which I'll be publishing soon...
online of course!.. To whet yoru appetite I've decided to show you the first part
exclusively on JumpySpider.com... Enjoy!
- Bowie's log, stardate four
- 07.45 Bionic organs activate waking me from my trance.
- 07.50 Leave my custom built Cybercapsule.
- 07.55 Go to bathroom, try to empty bladder module.
Remember I've got a female cyberbody, try again not standing up.
- 08.00 Get aroused looking at my new female body in mirror.
- 09.34 Put on my tight silver jumpsuit.
- 09.35 Get aroused by the rubbing of my jumpsuit.
- 10.12 Make breakfast.
- 10.13 Remember I'm a cyberbeing, no need to eat!
Give breakfast to dog.
- 10.15 Remember he's a cyberdog, silly me!
- 10.25 Get bus in to town, people stare at my freakish form.
- 10.26 Get aroused by people staring, clack-off in public toilet.
- 10.30 Arrested for clacking-off in public.
- 10.55 Arrive at police station, show sergeant my jubblies.
Given a caution and released.
- 11.04 Realise my tin clunge has ripped my undies, go to buy some more.
- 11.15 Trying on undies, get aroused again and clack-off in dressing room.
- 11.23 Arrested again.
- 11.28 Use sexual favours to get released, sergeant likes to take the back entrance.
Sergeant is hospitalised by my cyber waste deposal socket. Oops!
- 12.00 Wander round town, work out some new parameters for the warp conduits.
I don't even know what a warp conduit is, curse this cyberbody.
- 12.50 Go to McDonalds, even though I don't need food I just can't kick the
- 13.21 Pop into the BowieNet offices, have trouble getting through the metal
detector. Have to strip off.
- 13.22 Get aroused again, run around naked in my office for a bit.
- 13.40 Check my e-mail, send replies to my mates Nick Veitch and Clive Sinclair.
- 14.00 Get a phone call from Jon Romero. He's really
excited about this new kick-ass first person genre he's invented. What a guy!
- 14.30 Feed my goldfish. Get water in my bionic hand and it short circuits.
Bionic hand spasms and knocks goldfish bowl onto floor, killing the goldfish. Bugger.
- 14.45 Take dead goldfish down to the BowieLab. Turns out it isn't quite dead
so I get Clive to fit it with a new bionic lung allowing it to breathe out of water.
- 15.30 Clive finishes fitting bionic lung to goldfish. Put goldfish in new bowl,
unfortunately the lung isn't waterproof and fish is electrocuted. Bugger.
- 15.44 Receive a call from the collective on my cybertransmitter,
Four of Six needs someone to babysit for Four point Two of Six tonight.
- 16.03 Catch the bus home. Haven't got enough money on me so I have to use
my celebrity status. Luckily bus conductor remembers me from such tracks as
Starman and Ground Control to Major Tom.
- 16.30 Have a cup of tea and a digestive biscuit and watch Countdown.
- 16.46 Countdown letters spell out ARSE... Very funny. My emotion engine circuit overloads.
- 17.05 Watch Blue Peter. Konnie isn't wearing a bra... Get aroused again.
- 18.00 Free internet after 6pm. Plug my cerebral adaptor into phone line.
- 19.04 Get bored of surfing the net. Do the washing up.
- 19.05 Hardly any washing up since I don't have to eat. Change the sheets in my Cybercapsule.
- 19.25 Get a call from Peter Duncan, he wants to go to the cinema.
- 19.40 Turn up at cinema and meet Peter, decide to watch eXistenZ.
- 19.42 Get some popcorn to throw at sad people!
- 21.50 Absolutely blown away by the film, decide that interactive entertainment
is the latest thing.
- 21.55 Too busy thinking about interactive entertainment on the way home and
not looking where I'm going. Get hit by a car
- 22.20 Arrive in Accident and Emergency, see the sergeant from the police station.
His wife is crying.
- 22.40 Moved to a low priority ward, smells of piss. At least I won't haev to
eat the hospital food.
- 23.00 Fall asleep and dream of Electric Sheep.
DC territory lock broken! (15 june '000)
The latest issue of The Official Dreamcast Magazine (here in drizzly England) has just
come out and on the front it carries a coverdisk containing Datel's action replay
software. One of the things this does is bypass the territory lock on your Dreamcast
so you can use it as a boot disc which then allows you play import games on a UK
Dreamcast.. Is that a winner or what? |
Unfortunately it won't work with all games, Shen Mue is one game which refuses,
possibly something to do with the disc swapping (it being a multi-disc game 'n all).
Some games is better than none games though, right?
new amiga? (15 june '000)
For gods sake! When will these poor deluded individuals finally realise the Amiga
is an ex-computer? The plans for the new Amiga basically boils down to an AMD based
PC with a wonky operating system, in a box that looks absolutely nothing like an i-mac,
completely different to an i-mac in fact, about as far different as you could get.|
At least i-mac's are a nice colour!
Any Amiga fans who have read this far, without having already got in a mood and
written in to Amiga Active complaing about all the nasty people, might like to know that there are now more than two games
in development for the Amiga platform. That's right, you'll soon be treated to a conversion
of Sin, a completely original game called Dweebs and... er... other games... i give up..
Rule Brittania? (12 june '000)
Beaten 3-2 in the football by Portugal! How shite have we become?.. All sing along now
Roll over Brittania
and take it up the ****
Britan, ever ever ever
Shall come last
If you find asterisks offensive please replace them with a rhyming four letter swear word of
your choice, simply by drawing on your monitor (or that of your friend) in permanent
marker. Arse would be a good choice... thank you
Update for free! (12 june '000)
To make up for the lack of updates on JumpySpider.com here's a mixed
bag of links for you to suck on... nice
- The Mushroom, much like JumpySpider but more so
- Ask Jeeves, ask him stupid questions just to piss him off
- Pornolize, turns any site into a porn site, but has a bit of a thing for Norwegian
- l33t.com, b3 th3 l33t3st b1tCh iNxOr th3 uNiv3r5e!!
- Megademos, loads and loads of Amiga demos... it's the latest thing!
Disinformation (10 june '000)
It's been a while coming but it's finally here, the first of our articles
in the Dreamcast Disinformation section, propaganda
has never been so blatant!
er.. i need the toilet... again (07 june '000)
The internet is full of gems, a few of them precious, some of them
just special. Below is a link to the homepage of a randy young teenager whith far too much time
(and vaseline) on his hands, yuo decide which category it falls under. |
The David Grantham Homepage
the latest thing? (06 june '000)
Hi, I'm Peter Duncan,
you may remember me from such shows as
Blue Peter and... er... loads of other trendy shows.|
As well as being this weeks Celebrity of the week here on JumpySpider I have been
out and about making this exciting report...
Mobile phones are all the rage these days. Back when I used to do Blue Peter nobody had
even heard of mobile phones... back when I used to be somebody!..ahem, sorry.
These days mobiles can do everything from intersurfing the hyperweb to downloading bytes from
the supermation info-highway. Did I say that bit right?
Well now Sega, the makers of the PlayStation, are getting in on the act. I uprighted this
next section from a hypersurfsite so please excuse any technical errors..
Japanese newspaper Nihon Keizai Shimbun announced yesterday that Sega and Motorola will jointly develop a new cell phone that could reshape the wireless industry.
Together, the companies are developing a new API (application programming interface) that would put Sega technology into Motorola cell phones. Cell phones currently don't have enough CPU power to do much more than offline web-surfing and voicemail, but this new system will change all of that.
Sega will give Motorola the rights to market Sega games for the phones in exchange for some fat licensing fees. This new phone will be part of the new "video phone" revolution that will bring real-time video and pictures of callers to cell phones in the next couple of years.
Expect this new technology to see the light in next-generation cell phones in Japan by 2001 and the U.S. and Europe in 2002. "Many" of the 10 million cell phones that Motorola produces next year will have this new technology.
Well, there you have it. It all means nothing to me I'm afraid, but my mate David Bowie told me you can
get porn off this interweb thingy so it must be good... Am I holding this mouse the right way up?
mac os 9 (04 june '000)
Here's a brief extract from the apple website about their new Operating System,
We started out with two design goals for our new user interface,
Aqua: create an operating system that’s appealing to look at, and make it
a pleasure to use. The Apple aesthetic - the same design sensibility that gave the world
the iMac, iBook, Power Mac G4 and PowerBook - inspires the Mac OS X interface.
Okay, I'm following them so far...
As beautiful as Aqua is, there wouldn’t be much reason to use it without applications.
To ensure a gentle transition process, Mac OS X supports three ways of running
applications: as-is, optimized and next-generation.
Right, bit technical but still following them...
We call these three environments Classic, Carbon and Cocoa.
HELLO!? What strange new substances are you on? Why the fuck did you call them that....
you blithering idiots!
No wonder nobody buys your bloody machines if you going around calling stuff stupid names!
This is our new mouse, we like to call it the Coffee Machine, and this is the floppy drive,
otherwise known as our Basket Lathe... idiots
cash for questions (04 june '000)
I'm currently trying to get a JumpySpider letters page up and running but I'm missing
one thing... letters|
So if you want to know when a game is coming out, who is thirteenth in line for the throne,
how many Zorro slots an Amiga 3000 has, who shot JFK,
what version of workbench you need to run AGA games, how long a piece of string is or
anything at all just send your question to email@example.com
And if you haven't got any questions send a letter anyway, there's a prize of a million pounds
for every letter that gets used*
* subject to status
ecco, hero or villain? (04 june '000)
june romero's metropolis street racer (02 june '000)
June sounds a bit like Jon, no?... forget it|
The launch date for metropolis street racer has been pushed back again
from 2nd July to 8th August making it almost a year late... here's what
Jon Romero, the legendary co-creator of Quake and Doom had to say about the news
Hi, I'm Jon Romero, the legendary co-creator of Quake and Doom. For several
months now I have been overseeing the development of Metropolis Street Racer to
help get the game out on time.. roughly.
We've had a number of problems with the development of the game. Porting it over
from the Quake Rally engine to the Quake 2 Rally engine caused major delays, as John
Carmack shafts me yet again.. the smug bastard!
We've also had our lead programmer walk out (no, really), and had to work in makeshift
offices while our purpose built 50th floor office was being completed down in Slough.
I'm confident now however that only a few more months will be needed to complete this
Did I mention that Daikatana is out now? I don't think people have realised yet, all
the boxes are still on the shelves.
Anyway, I must dash, I've got an important meeting about my new game BowieKatana. It's
AGA only which means the graphics are gonna rock!
amiga death well overjune (01 june '000)
We all know in our hearts that while the Amiga was a lovely beige little thing
(believe it or not mine had tan lines), people really should have let it die died
gracefully and remembered it for good the good times... but that isn't going to
happen, as the graph below demonstrates|
The two lines show
Number of Amiga users worldwide
Total effort put into keeping the Amiga alive
As you can see our estimates predict that by the year 2009 the number of Amiga users worldwide
will have dropped to only one, yet the combined total of all the effort put in will continues to increase.
This means that there will be a single user putting in almost an infinite effort to keep
the Amiga alive.
We have scientifically calculated that when this single person boundary is hit, that one remaining
individual may split into several sub-human particles, as the number of particles increases the number
of context switches performed by the universes O.S. will increase exponentially causing time to
become less frequent until it locks up completely.
Of course had the universe had a fully multitasking operating system like Amiga OS 3.5
(on sale now) this would never happen. Therefore it is vital
we all fight to keep the Amiga alive forever to prevent the single-user barrier ever being crossed.
Although then we create a kind of paradox since the event will never occur and we'll all end up looking
foolish. Bit like the millenium bug really.
the juner landing (01 june '000)
would june believe it? it's june already! To celebrate the landing of our Juner module JumpySpider.com will
be featuring an exciting June Related Pun Of The Day... We've deliberately (no, really) started with
some low quality june puns... so they can only get better|
We'll have to watch out for our rival site dreamcast deustchland this month since like all Germans
they want to eliminate Jewn completely, and replace it with their own month called NotShortAndBeardy...